Stopping the Downward Spiral
11 Ways to Pull Yourself Up and Out of the Deep, Dark Hole of Despair
I sat down to write about the role of hormones in weight loss at midlife and the particular challenges women face, but that’s not what was really calling to me this week – though I am considering creating two new 5-Day Jump Start programs for Perimenopause and Nutrition for GLP-1s (aka Ozempic/semaglutide, Wegovy, etc.). If you have thoughts, let me know.
Depending on when you joined this Substack, you may have heard me talk about how growing three businesses simultaneously is both some of the most fulfilling, purpose-driven work I’ve ever done and one of the most challenging things I’ve ever taken on.
Most days I’m excited and fulfilled by the work – even the annoying parts, which for me means social media. But some days. Well, some days the constant GO feels depleting and the social media content creation feels hollow.
It never shuts off. My brain is consumed by my private practice, my fractional CMO/startup advisor consultancy, and podcast 24/7. I have literally woken up out of a dead sleep mid-thought; it was an interesting experience the first time it happened … it reminded me of the constant flowing numbers you see as the backdrop image for all of the Matrix movies.
Luckily I have two amazing business partners (one for the consultancy and one for the podcast), and, for the consultancy, we have the world’s best partnerships manager. For the private practice, I’m a solopreneur. So, if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. I know many of you can relate.
This article, though, is not a space to vent. For any of you that know me in any capacity, you know 1) I’m a DO-er, a builder, and 2) that I believe that if you don’t like the way something is, do something to change it – no, it won’t change overnight, but nothing changes, if nothing changes. Trite it may be, but you miss 100% of the chances/opportunities you don’t take and that applies to changing your current situation, too. And while acknowledging and feeling the BIG feels is important, so, too, is not wallowing in it to the point where all you see is darkness around you.
If all you feel like is you’re barely successfully treading water or if you feel like you’re at the bottom of a dark and lonely hole, this article is for you … because, today, it’s also for me. When I’m feeling shitty and I just can’t shake it, when I feel like I’ve had a series of Ls and no Ws, here’s a few things I do to pull myself out of it.
But first, I’ll admit here that being open in this way feels extremely vulnerable; I don’t particularly enjoy it. But it’s honest. I help women who work and play in high-stress environments; I help women redefine stress and balance. However, just because I’m adept at it, doesn’t mean I’m immune to it. I am not a practitioner who expects perfection nor do I pretend to be perfect – I’m a recovering perfectionist and still fall into the perfectionism trap. You can specialize in stress and still get stressed the fuck out.
Last thing before I get to it, a HUGE shout out and thank you to Allison Costelow, who gave me something today that I didn’t even realize I needed: Some very kind and affirming words that made me feel simultaneously seen and appreciated.
11 Ways I Stop a Downward Spiral or Pull Myself Back Up
These are listed in no particular order, and I don’t always use all of them; I use what’s most needed for the situation and moment.
1. Rebellions are Built on Hope
Okay, so I stole that from Star Wars. But, the role hope plays can’t be underscored enough. I am most often my harshest critic, so you could say I do battle with myself all the time … I am the Empire, I am the Rebellion. Apparently, I’m also really attached to Star Wars analogies.
When things feel at their shittiest, sometimes finding a spot of hope is what can change my mindset. The ability for a person to find meaning in their life is an instrumental aspect to wellbeing, mental health and resilience. While happiness and, even, joy are often the focus, finding hope – even in the smallest of ways – may not just be more important but a critical component to a meaningful life. There’s actually fresh research that drives this point home.
2. Aim for Fulfillment, not Happiness
I wrote a whole article on this previously, I believe in it that much. We’re taught from the youngest ages that we should be happy, chase happiness, and define our lives around happiness. But happiness is a feeling – it’s an emotion that is fleeting, right along with the other thousands of emotions we’ll feel on any given day. Why should we strive for something that is not only fleeting but incredibly subjective?
Happiness is a short-term, outcome-based experience. Fulfillment is a deeper connection that I can experience everyday and in the long-term. Fulfillment allows me to align my actions, thoughts, and behaviors with my values and purpose … even as they change and evolve. Fulfillment fills me with contentment and feels more vital, more … robust – it has yet to feel hollow.
Fulfillment is sustaining. I can absolutely be both fulfilled and happy, but happiness is no longer a prerequisite.
3. Reconnect with Your Purpose and/or Your Why
Some people come out of the womb knowing their life’s Purpose … purpose with a BIG P. While for others, they may spend their whole life trying to define it. If you know your Purpose, remember what that is. Further, if you have a Why – your reason or motivation behind your purpose – remind yourself of what that is. Say it like a mantra on repeat until you can feel it resonate in your bones.
If Purpose-with-a-Big-P feels too overwhelming, think smaller: There’s a reason you get out of bed everyday. There’s a reason you have a job, career or vocation.
4. It’s Probably Temporary
Okay, I know it’s trite, but it’s also true. Most of what we feel and/or experience is temporary (not all, but most). Sometimes, the situation feels like it’s much more permanent than it actually is; sometimes, we actually choose to hold on to the pain and hurt. We have more control and influence on our emotional state than we often give ourselves credit for.
When I’m IN it, sometimes I’ll ask myself: Is this REALLY the fuck I want to give? Often, just posing the question is enough to remind me (in a semi-absurd way) that I only have so many effs to give (because if you’re handing them out left and right, it’s exhausting and you’re probably angry a LOT). I’m not saying not to care. I’m saying choose what you want to care deeply enough about to let it get you into a spiral.
Other times, I’ll 5-5-5: How will this affect me in 5 hours? 5 days? 5 years? I change the number and timeframes … sometimes I’ll start with minutes and not hours, but it helps me zoom out and get some perspective.
5. Give Toxic Positivity the Finger
There’s a time and place for “fake it till you make it” (research shows that sometimes faking a smile actually can lead you to genuinely feeling more positive). No, I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the rhetoric that says we should only feel “positive vibes only,” having our feelings diminished and told to look at the bright side, to always find the silver lining, to “not be so negative.” I get it. These often come from well-intentioned people in our lives. And sometimes we really do need that mindset shift, but not at the expense of acknowledging and actually feeling the feels.
Sometimes, it’s totally okay to just feel shitty. That does not, however, justify BEING shitty – to yourself or others.
6. Feel the Feels, then Move Forward
Cry in the shower. Give two middle fingers to an empty room. Scream into a pillow. Quietly seethe. Give yourself time and space to feel the feelings (without spewing them on others). Naming/labeling them helps take away some of their power.
Here’s the important bit: Feel the feels, then physically take steps forward and away from wherever you are. Maybe that’s relocating to another room. Maybe it’s physically turning your back on what you just felt. Moving forward and away – after acknowledging and feeling – provides physical and mental space from your emotions and the situation without denying they exist.
I like to rage walk or rage run. I process and move forward, usually with some Five Finger Death Punch or Pantera blasting in my ear drums. I get my pent up negative energy out, I get endorphins from the physical activity, and my brain gets to either process how I feel or simply take a break away from being in my head about stuff – usually it’s both, I can take a break away from the thought loops holding me in a place that don’t benefit me while my thoughts and feelings process in the background. Plus, there’s the added perk of being outside in the sun.
7. Lean In to Your Support System
This could be friends, family and loved ones in your life; it may also be a professional who can listen and give you healthy coping tools. Sometimes, we keep it all in because we don’t want to burden others. It is perfectly okay to share what’s weighing on your heart and mind. Unless you’re an emotional vampire or have emotionally dumped on them in the past, they’re probably more than willing to offer you support and compassion when you need it – chances are there’s a point when you have or will do the same for them. I will say, just make sure they’re ready to receive.
If you really don’t want to talk to a friend or family member, a therapist is a really great option. If you don’t have one or are skeptical, 7cups offers free online mental health support with trained listeners, even via text, 24/7.
Try the LSH (Listen, Solution, Hug). We can’t assume someone knows what we need. Sometimes, we just want someone to listen without jumping to solving our problems. It’s okay to let someone know if you want them to Listen, provide Solutions, or if you really just want a Hug.
Remember: You are not alone. Even if it feels that way. And, if you or someone you care about is having a mental health crisis, please text, call or chat 9-8-8 or the 988 website for immediate help.
8. Don’t Ask Why, Ask What
When you’re IN IT, it’s tempting to pelt yourself with Why questions: Why do I feel this way? Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I feel better?
But, Why questions predispose us to an emotional response. Instead, ask What questions.
What would help me feel better? What do I want to get from this experience or situation? What do I need in this moment? What need is not being met? What one single thing can I find hope in? What is one thing I would see as an opportunity if I were in a different mind set?
9. Get the Shitty Energy OUT
Letting something fester will start to eat away and rot you from the inside out. The physiological stress alone, without even factoring in the less-than-helpful ways we may choose to cope, can wreak havoc on the body and lead to us feeling even worse in the long run.
So get that pain, hurt, anger, frustration – whatever it is – out. For me, I either do something physically active (run, walk, dance) or I write.
And, I’ll say that writing doesn’t have to be in a journal, it can be a Note on your phone, an email to yourself (set up an email expressly for this purpose … it’s liberating), voice notes to yourself that you can go back and delete later should you so choose, a Slack thread to yourself (I have a whole Slack instance dedicated to notes to myself), etc.
Walking can be a magical way to get it out. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time … I find it helpful to envision a little piece of whatever crap I’m experiencing that day falling off of me with each step.
I have even written notes with what I want to get out and let go of and tossed them into a fire (in a fireplace … be responsible people!)
I have done rounds on our punching bag … I mean it’s built to be punched. Literally. We also have a double-ended bag – fun, but those suckers will hit you back if you’re not careful.
The point is: Find the way that works for you to healthfully release the pent up feelings you’re having. I stress healthfully here. Notice I did not talk about self-soothing behaviors like consuming alcohol or eating comfort foods (yes, sometimes they are the thing that feels most comforting, but I know they’re not benefiting Future Me – that said some days, the tradeoff is worth it to me). It should go without saying, but: Please don’t take your anger or hurt out on another being (human, animal or otherwise).
10. Give Yourself the Compassion You would Give Your Best Friend
We are often our harshest critics. We’re so willing to say things to ourselves about ourselves that we would never say to a loved one or best friend. If you wouldn’t say it to them, don’t say it to yourself. And if you would say something heinous to them … well that’s a whole different article.
11. Take a BIG, GIANT Breath. Repeat.
The first indicator of stress to our body is often a change in our breathing pattern; usually it’s a shallower, faster, more constricted breath. A breath that stays in our throat (versus in our chest or belly). The easiest way to create a change in your nervous system and a pause in your thought loop is to take a BIG, GIANT breath. And Repeat. Several times, if needed.
I honestly use this the most when I’m not in a place where I can allow myself to get angry, irritated, frustrated, or feel sad. I can acknowledge how I’m feeling, label it, and then take a breath or two and let it myself come back to it later. If I’m in a space that allows for it, I’ll take a breath or two and then take several steps forward and away from the space I was in – even if it’s just getting a glass of water. The breath creates a change in my thought pattern; the steps forward and away create physical distance and a change of scenery. And, honestly, our attention spans are SO short these days that often between the two (breath and stepping away), my brain floats on to something else. It may only be a temporary change, but sometimes it’s enough.
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