TINY FAILS: Shutting Down the Fear of Failure
Is it possible to decouple fear from failure? It feels nearly impossible to talk about failing/failures without also including fear. BUT, I don’t think it has to be that way.
In my 20s, I used to think my biggest fear was failing. Failing at my goals. Failing at work. Failing in my career.
As I matured and gained life experience, that morphed and evolved, and I realized at some point, that it became a fear of success. It was an odd realization, at first. I mean, how could I have any fear associated with actually attaining what I was working so hard to achieve? That feels like a topic for another article.
Over the past several years, that evolved further still. I no longer fear failure or success. No, now I fear that when I achieve success it won’t feel like it’s enough. That it will feel hollow. And, too short lived. That I won’t take the moment and let myself just sit in it, acknowledge and celebrate it, and really enjoy it before moving on to whatever is next. And, there will be a next. There always is.
Fear is normal. It’s also one of the most visceral emotions; it can be all-consuming, keeping us in its grips, and dictating where we go, what we believe, and how we live.
Failing can be scary. We avoid it at all costs and assign incredible consequences to it—perceived and actual. Those consequences are what drive that magical combination that is fear of failure. All failure. Living with this fear of failure keeps us from taking risks—at least not without a great deal of accompanying over-thinking, analysis paralysis, second-guessing, and doubt.
The human experience at its most basic gears us toward a need to achieve and celebrate success. I imagine our Neanderthal ancestors felt a sense of achievement when they took down a particularly large animal and then figured out how to make it last. As civilization became, well, more civil, we rewarded those who could provide the most, the biggest, the best, or who could figure out how to attain and keep whatever it is that stood for achievement or power. Be that knowledge, force, land, money, material things, size of family, etc.
We seem to forget that fear and failure are not one in the same. We seem to forget that the action of failing does not equate to BEING a failure. We seem to forget that for every successful attempt that we laud, there were likely several failed ones. Individuals who are the very best at what they do did not emerge from the womb with only success behind and ahead of them. Failures may have been defining moments, but those moments didn’t necessarily define the person—they didn’t become part of the individual’s self-identity. Or maybe they did, but they still found a way to learn and move on.
Side Bar: I’ll just pause and say, these ruminations on fear of failure are meant more generally. I’m certain some of us know someone who, at least from our perspective, seems to be making all the wrong choices and failing at every opportunity and turn. Our perspectives and judgements and their circumstances are a whole different article.
I had a moment at some point, where I realized how limiting and futile it was to be afraid to fail all the time. Instead I prefer to approach things with an abundance of curiosity (which isn’t a big stretch for me as I’m incredibly curious by nature) and take calculated risks. It became very clear to me that if you’re only ever concerned with not failing, you’ll likely only ever play it safe. If you want to swing for the fences, then you have to be prepared to completely whiff it on occasion. I’m not interested in playing small (except when it has strategic advantage).
“… I prefer to depersonalize the fails and put myself in situations where I can experience TINY FAILS. Small ways to push the boundaries and my comfort zone.”
These days, I prefer to depersonalize the fails and put myself in situations where I can experience TINY FAILS. Small ways to push the boundaries and my comfort zone. To take risks and feel challenged. I give myself space (and grace) to fail. To learn and understand what didn’t work, why, and how to avoid replicating it in the future. Fail fast. Fail forward.
Tiny Fails feels more experimental to me. Like an opportunity to test-and-learn. Or, as I like to think of it with clients (both growth advisor and nutrition clients): Test, learn, iterate, refine. When you run a test, you generally will inherently have a winner and a loser … either the new thing works or the old way prevails, either A or B works, etc. Take what works, understand what didn’t, test again, and keep refining. Sometimes, you’ll have those moments where both the new way and old way, the A and the B, all win or all lose; it then becomes about the magnitude of success or the least bad option. I try to find small ways to do this, so when it comes time to take a big swing, the possibility of failure no longer becomes a source of fear.
I’m not so Polyana to believe that I’ll never experience fear of failure. Or nervousness or anxiety (which are really just different masks for fear). But, in those moments, I can reflect on the Tiny Fails—all the test-and-learns—and all the ways those weren’t the end of the world. Then ultimately: I just get over myself and do it anyway. What’s that cliche? You miss 100% of every shot you don’t take.
One of my favorite quotes about fear:
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” - Frank Herbert, Dune
Photo by Eva Bronzini