Channel The GAMBLER: 3 Questions to Ask Yourself

There are key moments in my life when Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler” has come screaming into my mind. These are the moments, usually, where I need a reminder that it’s okay to walk away from something. See, I’m hardwired to make the effort, and then keep making it, to keep trying over and over and over … and sometimes, to my detriment, long after I should have stopped. Because stopping feels like failure. Like I threw in the towel.

That’s a false narrative, of course.

Ultimately, there’s power—and strategic advantage—in knowing when to hold ‘em, knowing when to fold ‘em, knowing when to walk away, and knowing when to GTFO of there. Sometimes choosing NOT to engage is an act of kindness and rebellion (to others and yourself).

There are times the choice is obvious. Often, it is not.

Intentionality is key. So much of life happens to us. Some would say “for” us (honestly not sure how I feel about that). I have seen, both in my corporate life and in private practice, what happens with paralysis of choice and analysis paralysis. The choice becomes to bury the head in the sand, though to the person doing the burying, they don’t see it as a choice. Watchful waiting is a strategy. It can be a strong, useful one. However, not making a decision due to fear, overwhelm, or being “too busy” is usually easier or feels safer; it’s the path of least resistance (which, physiologically, our body tends to seek)—it’s easy to punt it, put it off, pretend it doesn’t exist, or knowingly ignore it. BUT not making a decision is still a decision, whether we do so intentionally or passively.

Choosing not to Engage: An Act of Kindness and Rebellion

We are pelted Every. Single. Moment. of the day with things we can’t control and messages designed to incite fear and anger. You can’t control the words that come out of the mouth of political leaders, media, the person sitting across from you. You can’t control a lot of the stimuli you’re exposed to in this world as you move through it … environmental exposures, advertising, bad behavior, accidents and trauma.

You CAN control what you choose to say and do. You can control to whom you give your time, energy and attention. You can control where and how you choose to engage—and, importantly, where and how you choose to NOT engage.

You also can do a tremendous amount to influence the impact of these stressors on your body and mind and your body’s ability to adequately respond to them.

You can channel The Gambler.

Holding Isn’t Your Only Option … but We Sure Like to Believe It Is

On the heels of this election season, regardless of who you voted for, individuals are experiencing anxiety and stress at all-time highs; in fact, the majority of people experienced some kind of election-related stress. Many people have internalized this stress and are experiencing more physiological symptoms that contribute to decreased physical health, mental health and wellbeing. The election may be over, but the symptoms are hanging around.

While there’s a certain amount of closure and acceptance for some, for most, the real work is just starting—whether you’re for a thing and now figuring out how to make it reality and want to champion it loudly and proudly; or whether you’re against a thing and now figuring out to minimize damage, put a stop to whatever it is, and deride it loudly and proudly; or whether you’re somewhere in the middle and trying to make sense of how to compromise (which is currently equated to a 4-letter word) and problem-solve together.

One thing is for certain: The noise and constant exposure will continue to be relentless.

Regardless of which camp you fall in, at times, it may feel like you’re the tiki statues in this photo: Standing firmly for what you believe in and, at times, constantly battered by waves.

But here’s the thing, not every moment merits this rigid stance. It’s easy for us to get lost in the hype of championing our crusade—to don the mantle of hero, fighter, martyr, activist. But this constant yelling gets exhausting; it’s stressful, it’s anxiety-inducing, and if you’re yelling about everything all the time … it creates communication fatigue.

Don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying drop your beliefs. I’m not saying don’t be an advocate. I’m not saying stop standing up for what you believe in.

I am saying: Be intentional with where you choose to engage. For your own mental health. And, honestly, for everyone else’s, too. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Channel The Gambler.

When to Fold, When to Walk Away, When to Run

There are times when you are better served by choosing NOT to engage, and, yet, others when the best choice is to GTFO. Fast. When you feel the need to be a keyboard warrior. When you feel yourself start to spin-out. When you feel yourself start to get worked up … maybe that looks like anxiety, anger, or frustration. When you find yourself saying, “Are you fucking kidding me?” It’s easy to react. Anytime our values feel stepped on, it’s easy to react in a way that helps you feel like you’re bringing balance back.

In the span of two breaths we can have our values feel like they were stomped on and aggressively unleash a tirade of thought, emotions and opinions on someone or something.

Then, what? Maybe we feel vindicated. Or, maybe—and we’ve all felt it happen—the extraordinary efforts we took just leave us feeling … drained. And, after that potent, heady combination of adrenaline, cortisol and dopamine wear off, maybe sometimes thinking: “I probably shouldn’t have said that.” Or worse, “I really shouldn’t have done that.”

Be warned: Choosing to not engage, which, by now, should be obvious is not the same as burying your head in the sand, is not always easy. Very few things piss off people more than extreme neutrality. When you choose to not engage with someone who is either looking for a fight/vindication or looking for validation, your neutrality or lack of jumping into the fray (because maybe you’re not neutral) will anger or frustrate both sides. It’s not always an easy choice. And, may often be a brave choice.

Choosing NOT to engage is empowering. It’s a powerful stance on its own. It’s an act of intentionality, rebellion, defiance, self-love, self-preservation, healthy boundaries … call it what you like.

Summon Forth Your Inner Gambler: 3 Questions to Ask Yourself

So how do you know when to hold firm and play-on or when to disengage or bounce?

Start by asking yourself 3 things:

1. What would the person/people who I disagree with the most say?

2. What would the person/people who I agree with the most say?

3. What would a decision look like that is most aligned with my values or least violates my values?

The first two help you understand some of the motivation behind your choice or lack thereof. Are you making a decision out of spite? Or Expectation? Are you simply seeking validation?

The third, gets at what the best path might be for you regardless of which side of the love-it/hate-it spectrum you’re approaching it from. It may align with one person or side or the other … it likely lies somewhere in that squishy middle people are loath to admit exists and are uncomfortable existing in. On the flip, it may show you that your answer is outside of your comfort zone.

And perhaps that’s the REAL issue.

It’s not THE THING you can’t make a decision about, it’s that it makes you uncomfortable and rather than traverse that terrain (whether with discomfort, or curiosity and openness), you’d rather take the path of least resistance. No judgies here. I’ve personally traversed that terrain aplenty. Nothing triggers my bury-the-head-in-the-sand instinct faster than getting that nightly question from my husband: “So, what do you feel like for dinner?”

But, closing your eyes to the situation doesn’t make it any less real. Instead, put on that curiosity hat and step the fuck in—or out.

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This should go without saying, but I shall say it: All references to “The Gambler”/”Gambler” are reflective of my musings of the 1978 song, “The Gambler,” by Kenny Rogers and is by no means an encouragement to gamble nor is it an indictment of individuals who may suffer from a gambling addiction.